Shame is one of the most powerful feelings we can experience. When we are “in shame” those feelings can totally overwhelm our system and wreak havoc with our lives.
In her audiobook Men, Women, and Worthiness Brené Brown teaches:
"I think one of the best ways to talk about what shame is to talk about what it isn't and hold it up against some of the more common things we experience and feel. So where I want to start is to talk about the difference between shame and guilt. I think this is key. Shame is a sense that we are bad; that there's something about us, something we've done or failed to do that makes us unworthy of love, of acceptance, of belonging. Guilt is not a focus on who we are but a focus on something we've done. So the way I like to talk about it is: Shame is “I am bad”; Guilt is “I did something bad”. Shame is a focus on self; Guilt is a focus on behavior."
Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It is the belief that because of who we are we are unworthy of connection; what’s more, it is intense fear of perpetual disconnection because of our defectiveness. These emotions are often manifest in spikes of anger, sadness, and fear.
To learn more about shame’s destructive effects read “Shame Gremlins”.
Despite how debilitating shame can be there are things that we can do to combat its effects and build a strong sense of “Shame Resiliency”. Brown’s research reveals that those who have a strong sense of “shame resilience” have the following characteristics:
(1) They know what shame is and they are aware of when they're “in shame”.
(2) Their awareness of shame allows them to reality check themselves and their situations.
(3) They are able to reach out and tell their story; they speak shame with those who are trustworthy.
(4) They continue to learn about and speak their shame as part of an ongoing growth process.
Recognizing Shame
What does shame feel like for you? What does it feel like in your body?
These are important questions to answer for ourselves. Because we we understand this we can realize that our pre-frontal cortex (the part of our brain associated with consciously taking control of ourselves) is going off-line. For those moments we are “in shame” we are worried that we are unlovable—that we don't belong. And this hijacks our limbic system, activates our “fight or flight” response, and overshadows our wise self.
Once we realize we are “in shame” we can ask ourselves questions like: “Ok. Now that I recognize I’m experiencing a shame response what do I need to get back on my feet?
Part of shame resilience is knowing who you are and how you're wired so that you know what stresses you out and when you're tempted to fight, flee, numb, etc.
Reality Checking
“Awareness is knowing something exists; Critical awareness is knowing why it exists, how it works, how our society is impacted by it and who benefits from it.” (Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me)
When we realize we are “in shame” it is helpful to start asking ourself about whether the assumptions that are bringing about our shame are actually true or not. Trusted friends, loved ones, and therapists can help us with this work.
Here are some questions we might ask ourself when we realize we are “in shame”:
What are my expectations for myself in this moment? How realistic are these expectations?
Can I be all these things all of the time?
Do my expectations conflict with each other?
Am I describing who I want to be or who others want me to be?
If someone perceives me as having these “unwanted identities”, what will happen?
Can I control how others perceive me? How do I try?
Practicing critical awareness means linking our personal experiences to what we learn from the questions above. When we do this, we move toward resilience by learning how to:
• Contextualize (saying, “I see the big picture”);
• Normalize (saying, “I’m not the only one”); and
• Demystify (saying, “I’ll share what I know with others”).
For example, let’s say that a woman feels a rush of shame as she glances at the magazines while in the check out line at Walmart. Images of beautiful, photo-shopped women begin to trigger her. She might ask herself:
Is what I am seeing real? Do these images convey real life or fantasy?
Do these images reflect healthy, whole-hearted living, or do they turn my life, my body, my family or my relationships into objects and commodities?
Who benefits by me seeing these images and me feeling bad about myself?
How does answering these questions affect my relationship with these images?
Additional questions that may help:
What are the social-community expectations I am judging myself by?
When I feel bad about what I am not am I describing who I want to be or what others want me to be?
Why do these expectations exist?
How do these expectations work?
How is our society (or culture) influenced by these expectations?
Who benefits from these expectations?
Owning Our Story
This is where vulnerability becomes a super power. Although most of us are inherently afraid of vulnerability, in truth, the most comfortable feeling in the world is when one adult can be vulnerable with another adult and loved for who they are.
Ironically, vulnerability in others is usually seen as courage; but, when we sense vulnerability in ourselves we usually perceive it as weakness.
Vulnerability is one of the most lovable attributes that a human can have. Furthermore, vulnerability is the path out of our shame.
Shame thrives in the dark, in secrecy. And the longer we keep our shame hidden the darker things get until we feel hopeless and nothing feels good in life.
However, when we bring our shame into the light, in a place that is empathetic and safe, shame dies. Shame cannot stand to be recognized and spoken. It cannot live in the presence of someone who says “Yeah. Me too. I struggle with that too.”
When we speak our shame and it is met with empathy, then the shame disappates.
In order to claim our story we must carefully choose a safe place to verbalize our shame in an atmosphere of empathy, caring, and respect. It’s important here to consider that not everyone deserves to hear our story though. Not everyone has done the work to hold an empathetic space with us. Healthy vulnerability doesn’t always mean we share every part of us with the entire unvetted world. It means we carefully select those who can hold our pain with us.
When we get around to finally owning our story we then have power to write the ending. Until we own our story we’re just powerless in the story. Things are acting upon us. But when we own our story we act upon those things.
Telling our story requires true authenticity. Brown observes:
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we should be and embracing who we really are.”
Telling our story requires us to let go of what other people think.
Ask yourself: What is your mantra going to be when someone's asking you to be something other than what you're supposed to be?
Continue to Speak Shame and Allow Yourself to Grow
Much of our culture today is shame-based. We are surrounded by it. We swim in it. So much of the messages around us today boil down to “you are not enough.” So, we must keep doing our work. We continue to “speak shame”.
Consider the social media trend of posting everything we do, think, look at, etc. on Facebook. With that comes the the thought that if I'm not posting regularly somehow my life is worth less. We see these posts about others’ happy, filtered moments and feel guilty, lonely, and disconnected. We are hyper-aware of what we feel we lack. This relentless tendency to compare ourselves is stealing our happiness.
Therefore, our first order of business is achieving self-love; if we don't truly love ourselves it hinders our ability to love others.
Brown teaches: “Shame results when we make a goal to fit in with a certain group and the experiment fails.”
Do you feel that you are lovable? Meaning, do you believe you are worthy of love and belonging? Do you feel like you have to do something or be something to be loved by others? Or, are you worthy of love just as you are?
Brown writes:
“I think if we drop down to the deepest part of the work what we'll find is the innate need and yearning to belong; to be a part of something, to believe that who we are matters and that people want to be with us.
“...You know, I say love and belonging are irreducible needs of men women and children I'm not kidding around, like, belonging is in our DNA; and the need to be a part of something bigger than us is how we're wired....
“....Because this yearning is so primal we often try to acquire it by fitting in and seeking approval—which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic and imperfect selves to the world---our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance.”
One evidence, then, that we have hit a certain level of shame resilience is when we have stopped trying to “fit in” and instead have found where we belong.
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