Many of us are unconsciously activated by our shame. What happens to us in the present and how we react is often affected by deep-set feelings of shame and unworthiness from our past. Identifying and being aware of how this happens to us can give us more power in our daily lives.
In The Power of Vulnerabilty Brené Brown uses Joe Dante’s 1980 horror comedy Gremlins to talk about how this works. Gremlins were little, ugly, viscous creatures that wreaked havoc wherever they went. Brené uses these creatures as a metaphor for the “shame tapes”—the ugly, viscious, destructive stuff—that plays through our mind when our inner shame is activated. It’s important to know we all have shame tapes. We all have shame Gremlins.
“Good couples don’t fight.”
“Strong people don’t take antidepressants.”
“I feel like a faith imposter in my church congregation.”
“Beautiful women have thigh gaps.”
In her book I Thought it Was Just Me Brown relates an experience where one mother described how a specific Gremlin was sabotaging her life:
“Jillian had been enjoying an unusually relaxing Saturday with her two kids and her husband Scott. Jillian and Scott were sitting on the patio while her kids played in the backyard. She was going through the week’s mail when she came across a birthday invitation addressed to her five-year-old. As she started reading it she was overcome with emotion. Emotions that she described as a terrible combination of fear, anger, and anxiety. She described her reaction to the emotional flooding: ‘I swear, out of nowhere I stood up and started yelling at my kids for being too loud and tearing into my husband for keeping the garage so messy. I went to the house and slammed my bedroom door.’ Scott followed her into the house and stood outside the door jiggling the locked door knob. She told me he just kept saying... ‘Jillian, what is wrong with you?! Have you lost your freaking mind?’ When I asked Jillian what had triggered the emotional flood she said I really didn’t know for days. I kept thinking I was going crazy because it wasn’t the first time. I finally figured out that the invitation was for a pool party and it said that parents have to swim with their kids. Julie explained that she had terrible shame about being in a swimsuit in front of ‘the perfect skinny moms’. She said ‘Sometimes when I feel ashamed I get fearful and I just go nuts. I feel so lost I don’t even know what’s happening.’ As Jillian and I continued to talk about her reaction to the birthday invitation and her fear of being in a swimsuit in front of ‘the perfect moms’ she explained how she had always been uncomfortable with her body but since she had gained weight after her pregnancies she had become very self-conscious. When I asked her to tell me more about motherhood and body image she began to shake her head and said, ‘I can’t believe it.’ She explained that she had flipped through a fashion magazine while she was waiting to get her haircut. And there was a big spread featuring supermodels on the beach with their kids. She started reading it and one of the models was quoted as saying ‘Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I can let myself go. Kids don’t want frumpy fat mothers. My kids are proud of how I look.’ Jillian looked surprised as she told me about the magazine. ‘I didn’t even realize how that has stuck with me.’”
Besides demonstrating how damaging our personal Gremlins can be this experience highlights another important point: thoughts and feelings outside our level of awareness have great power over us. With a little practice the skill of mindfulness can bring these damaging thoughts/beliefs to light.
To understand more about how devastating these Shame Gremlins can be see “Shame Gremlins 2”
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