Emotions Are a Part of Life
We all experience negative emotions. There is no way to avoid this. We cannot, like an android in a sci-fi movie, turn off our emotion chip. Some try to “turn off” their negative emotions through numbing and self-medicating behaviors. However, these strategies often complicate life and just add more negative emotions (such as guilt and shame) to the mix.
Emotions are a mixed bag. For example, while fear can be paralyzing and extremely distressing it can also signal us to flee or avoid danger. Likewise, while anger may be helpful in motivating us to work on a particular situation or problem, it can also turn into deep-seated resentment and even affect our physical health.
Furthermore, the same set up in our brain that allows us to feel “negative” emotions is the same source of “positive” emotions such as happiness, excitement, satisfaction, and contentment.
Some of us try to get rid of our emotions by repressing them deep down. Unfortunately, repressed emotions can do even more damage to body and mind than consciously feeling a “negative” emotion.
What we can do is develop a skillful resiliency to mitigate the effects of our distress; We can learn to be more mindful of our thoughts/emotions reducing our reactivity to them; and, We can learn to modulate our feelings without being overwhelmed by them or reacting in unhelpful or destructive ways.
Instead of trying to numb or repress our emotions we can learn to deal with our emotions.
How Do You Cope?
One way to start doing this is to examine and be mindful of how we currently react to our negative emotions? How do we cope?
Many of us have never developed effective coping strategies; or worse, we have become used to using poor/unhealthy coping strategies that ultimately just make things worse!
Do you have any unhealthy coping strategies? What are they? What unintended consequences might these coping mechanisms have on your life?
Using Calculated Distraction as a Coping Mechanism
One way to deal with unpleasant emotions in the present moment is to use the skill of distraction. Here are some ideas to consider when our emotions
threaten to overwhelm us:
Distracting Yourself With Pleasure
Make a list of things that get your endorphins flowing. This world is full of things that give us pleasure. Make them work for you. (Spend time with a friend, exercise, do yoga, go for a swim, get a massage, enjoy nature, eat chocolate, try a new food, watch a funny movie, play your favorite music, go to a museum, take a bubble bath, do something artistic/creative, etc).
Distract Yourself by Paying Attention to Someone Else
Do something for someone else; go to where people are and sit back and watch them; think of someone you care about.
Distract Your Thoughts
Try to not think of a Pink Elephant. It’s impossible. Try it. Once you TRY to stop thinking about something that’s all you can think about. Instead, try to distract yourself with another thought. Move on to something else. Our minds are gifted with imagination. Use it to go somewhere else when an unpleasant thought or emotion is stalking you.
Distract Yourself by Leaving
Sometimes the best thing you can do is leave. Walk away. Get out. Put some distance between you and what is distressing to you. And sometimes getting up and moving is the best thing we can do to get a new perspective on our problem.
Distract Yourself with Chores
Wash dishes, clean out your email inbox, clean and organize a room, redecorate, mow the lawn, organize books, movies, etc. Channel the negative energy into constructive places.
Distract Yourself by Counting
Count your breaths, count cars you see as you are driving, etc.
Create a Personalized Distraction Plan!
Not everything works for everyone. Choose some from the list above you think you might try and come up with some of your own. Write then down and pull out your plan when things get tough.
Remember, distraction is not the end goal of life. Distraction is not a substitute for doing our deeper work. If we are always distracting ourselves then we may be moving into another problem—escapism—and are never building our personal resiliency. Truly, the best long term way to deal with our emotions is to explore their source. However, distraction can be a very helpful tool to get us through a rough patch; getting us centered again and back on our feet.
The mind is the source of our negative thoughts/feelings. But the mind is also one of our best resources for moving though hard things. Be creative. Use your imagination.
And remember, feelings don’t last forever. We just need to make it though this current bad one.
An Analogy:
Emotions are like the weather. The weather comes and goes. It changes. Just because it is raining today doesn’t mean it will be raining tomorrow. Temperature increases and decrease. Seasons come and go. Think about it. Rain and snow is not always convienient—we are subject to it and it will effect our daily life—but with the right clothing and preparation the weather need not overwhelm us.
To learn more about how to soothe ourselves during hard times see “Ideas for Self Soothing (Grounding Techniques)”
Additional Techniques for Distress Tolerance and Coping with Unpleasant Emotions
When emotions rise quickly and feel overwhelming, therapists often recommend grounding techniques and self-regulation strategies that help bring the nervous system back to a more balanced state. Here are some quick, techniques you might try in the moment:
1. Grounding Techniques (To Anchor Yourself in the Present)
5-4-3-2-1 Method – Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Cold Water or Ice Trick – Splash cold water on your face, hold an ice cube, or place something cold on the back of your neck. This activates the dive reflex, calming the nervous system.
Feet on the Floor – Press your feet firmly into the ground, wiggle your toes, and feel the support beneath you.
2. Breathwork (To Regulate the Nervous System)
Box Breathing – Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and repeat.
Extended Exhale – Inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6-8 seconds (longer exhales engage the parasympathetic nervous system).
Sighing with a Long Exhale – Take a deep breath in, sigh out audibly, and let your shoulders drop.
3. Cognitive Techniques (To Interrupt the Emotional Loop)
Name It to Tame It – Say out loud: "I am feeling a big wave of anger right now. It will pass." Naming the emotion helps shift it from the reactive brain to the thinking brain.
Use a Mantra or Affirmation – "This feeling is temporary." "I can handle this." "Just ride the wave."
The 90-Second Rule – Remind yourself that emotions usually last about 90 seconds unless we keep fueling them with thoughts.
4. Physical Release (To Discharge Stress Energy)
Shake It Off – Literally shake your hands, arms, and legs to release pent-up energy.
Push Against a Wall – Engage your muscles by pushing against a surface to redirect tension.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation – Tense and release different muscle groups.
5. Sensory Distraction (To Shift Focus)
Smell Something Strong – Essential oils, peppermint, or even coffee can help jolt you out of an intense emotion.
Chew Something Crunchy – Gum, nuts, or ice can bring you back to the present.
Listen to Music with a Strong Beat – Something rhythmic or calming, depending on what you need.
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