Buddhists have a way of dealing with distress that is fascinating. It is the principle of non-attachment. The principle of non-attachment assumes that desires are the root of all suffering because attachments (to people, things, states of being, etc) are never permanent and loss is an inevitable part of life. From a Buddhist perspective the only constant in the universe is change. Therefore, the desire to cling to, control things, and “make them stay” keeps us perpetually unhappy.
Now I’m not going to suggest here that you need to invest in some robes right way. I am going to suggest that there is something here worth considering—especially when it comes to relationships. If we aren’t into letting go of everything yet and living the hard-core life of non-attachment we can at least be semi-Buddhist and embrace the idea of detachment.
Detachment is about moving your level of attachment down a couple notches. In the context of mental health and relationships it’s about avoiding unhealthy enmenshment with others. Detaching is where we can still love someone but our love for someone does not have a strangle-hold on our mental and emotional health.
In her book Codependent No More Melody Beattie writes about this idea:
“Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for [themselves], that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.”
I believe it’s worth asking ourselves if we believe each of the above ideas.
“Frequently, when I suggest to people that they detach from a person or problem, they recoil in horror. “Oh, no!” they say. “I could never do that. I love him, or her, too much. I care too much to do that. This problem or person is too important to me. I have to stay attached!”
Perhaps this response reflects that we have the wrong idea about what it means to detach.
Beattie continues: “Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves.”
“Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment.”
Detaching begins to happen when our mind starts to embrace the truth that:
“When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled.”
“We cannot (and have no business trying to) control anyone’s emotions, mind, or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life. Some of us can barely control ourselves.”
“No amount of control will effect a permanent or desirable change in another person. We can sometimes do things that increase the probability that people will want to change, but we can’t even guarantee or control that.”
Is there a time to act? Sure. Isn’t there a time to help? Yep. But each of us can learn to recognize when we have become so caught up in “helping”, “rescuing”, and “caretaking” that we have lost ourselves. We no longer have control of our mind and our life. And at that point we aren’t helping anyone. Our preoccupation with the life of another has robbed us of our personal power and agency.
“For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.”
To learn more about Detaching read “Problems That Are Not Ours to Solve”
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