Why are Shame Gremlins so destructive? I mean, isn’t being ashamed an important part of changing? Well, no. The research doesn’t support that. Brené Brown, the author of The Power of Vulnerability teaches that shame is different than guilt. Guilt is a healthy realization that our behavior does not match our core values. It motivates us to change and get to where we want to be. Shame, on the other hand is not “My behavior is bad.”; Shame says “I am bad.” Guilt is “I made a mistake”. Shame is “I am a mistake”. Shame causes us to give up, cover up, and act out. Not surprisingly there is a mountain of research correlating shame and addiction. Lastly, shame negatively affects our neurobiology. There is a very real visceral reaction to the things that shame us. Our fight or flight response is activated. And when we are activated our pre-frontal cortex goes offline and we are prone to act in ways that out of sync with our values.
Brown relates how when she calls a friend and says she is having a hard time or in struggle her friend will say, “What’s the Gremlin?” (Code for: “What is the shame tape you are playing in your mind that is contributing to the struggle?”)
Just like in the movie, these shame Gremlins have many forms and personalities:
“I’m never good enough.”
“Healthy people don’t have a second donut.”
“I don’t spend enough time with my kids”.
“An Intelligent person wouldn’t be struggling with this.”
“Because of what I did (or, didn’t do) she will never be the same.”
“Who do you think you are to [fill in your dream or goal of choice]?”
A good question to ask ourselves is: “Around what subjects do my Gremlins usually congregate?”
Shame is a very individualized, contextualized experience often going back to family of origin issues. What we heard and learned growing up. The stories that we were told in our childhood.
Consider how you react to this statement:
“Worthiness has no prerequisites.”
Do you believe that? If not, what things get in the way of feeling worthy for you? And by that we mean: What things do you feel are prerequisite to you having a sense of worth, love, and belonging? We might say, “Well, I feel I am worthy of love and belonging only when [fill in the blank].” What would that be for you? “Well, if I made a certain amount of money.” “If my wife didn't turn down my bids for affection.” “If I lost 20 pounds.”
It is worth considering what blocks there are in our mind to feeling at peace with ourselves.
What are your prerequisites for worthiness? Those are your shame Gremlins. Those are your shame triggers. Those are your shame tapes. And, interestingly enough, the way most of us get those prerequisites is they are handed down to us from our families of origin and/or the cultures in which we are raised.
Sometimes as we think back to our past we can even pinpoint certain experiences and and specific moments when particular shame Gremlins came into being. We can identify certain things that happened to us where a specific Gremlin spawned.
Consider: When did you first start to be embarrassed about your body? When did you first learn that you can never rest or you would be seen as lazy? When did you first notice that you needed to enter into self-loathing when you made a mistake?
What are your prerequisites for worthiness? Those are your Gremlins.
To learn how to battle your Gremlins see “Shame Gremlins 3”
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