Feeling Hopeless is Human.
We will all very likely experience some degree of hopelessness, despair, and depression at some point in our lives. These are very human emotions. And when we are experiencing these things it doesn’t necessarily mean we are doing something “wrong”; it just means we are human; and having a very human experience.
And while depression is a complex topic and no one intervention is a “cure all” the work of Marty Seligman has been helpful to many as a way to respond mindfully when hopelessness hits [Seligman, Martin E. P. Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Vintage Books, 1990].
3 P's that Perpetuate Feelings of Depression.
Seligman invites us to consider three P’s when combatting feelings of depression. These are Personalization, Permanence, and Pervasiveness. And when we consider how these ideas are often wrapped up in our feelings of hopelessness we can start to untangle our feelings and experiences in a way that can bring relief.
Personalization
The idea of Personalization is that many of us tend to inappropriately take responsibility for events placing the weight of cause and effect entirely on ourselves. This is the belief that "we are The Problem" and we are entirely at fault (I can hear Taylor singing, “It’s me/Hi/I’m the problem/It’s me.”) While it is healthy to take an appropriate amount of responsibility for our part in how events turn out we can also shift a sense of despair by meditating on the idea that much of what happens in life is affected by outside forces and that context matters.
For example, imagine a person going through a breakup and feeling intense sadness and self-blame. They may think, "It's all my fault. I'm unlovable." By applying the concept of personalization, they can challenge this belief. They might consider factors like communication styles, compatibility issues, or external stressors that contributed to the breakup. This shift in perspective can reduce self-blame and open up possibilities for healing and growth.
Permanence
The second P is Permanence or the belief that negative situations will last indefinitely. When we are in the throes of discouragement, depression, and despair it is often very easy to see setbacks as permanent—that what we are experiencing will never end. As we meditate on this idea we can begin to practice shifting towards the truth that things are always changing. We can consider evidence of this by reflecting on other times in our lives or the lives of others when we were convinced that things would never get better—but they actually did (even if just a little bit). Time passed and things changed. Remembering this can lead to a more hopeful outlook.
Consider a person who experiences a setback in their career, such as not getting a promotion they were hoping for. They might think, "I'll never advance in my career. I'm stuck in this job forever." Challenging the idea of permanence in this situation might involve remembering and reflecting on stories about people they know publicly or personally who experienced similar setbacks but reported eventually arriving at a better career situation.
Pervasiveness
Another idea that perpetuates despair is the idea of Pervasiveness, or the thought that a certain negative experience affects all aspects of life. While it’s true that hard things that happen to us can have a wide-ranging effect, a practice to shift this belief could be to identify areas of life that are going well or where positive change can still be made.
Consider a student who receives a poor grade on a test and feels like a failure in all areas of life. They might think, "I'm not smart enough. I'll never succeed academically or personally." Instead, the student could focus on strengths in other subjects, extracurricular achievements, or positive feedback they’ve received from teachers in the past. Broadening their perspective beyond that one test grade can inspire a more balanced view of their abilities and future possibilities.
Letting Unhelpful Thoughts Go.
When we mindfully recognize how the three P’s have interwoven themselves into our larger feelings of despair and hopelessness we can begin to work at those dark threads. With the help of a good therapist and supportive loved ones we can begin to see a little more clearly that (1) we are not the sole reason for bad things happening, (2) over time things can shift and change, and that (3) there is goodness and options available to us that our current setbacks have obscured. We start to see how these beliefs allow depression to keep a hold on us.
Psychiatrist and best-selling author M. Scott Peck captures well the spirit of Hope and Possibilities hidden deep within our most uncomfortable moments in life. He reminds us that change is possible with the right mindset and focus. He writes:
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
In that spirit I invite us all to look for “truer answers” than “everything is my fault”, “things will never change”, and “there is no more goodness in the world or my life”. Those thoughts do not serve us. Granted, they are very human thoughts to have. But through mindfulness and practice we can learn to gently let them go.
Want to watch a little video about the practice of noticing unhelpful thoughts, click on the link below:
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