Why is it important to identify our shame Gremlins? Well, for one thing it is easier to fight a Gremlin out in the open rather than one that is out of sight hiding in a Christmas tree. But, more importantly, researcher Brené Brown points out that in the movie Gremlins died when exposed to the light and that is exactly how shame dies as well.
Shame Gremlins thrive in the dark, in secrecy. They don’t want light. And the longer we put up with them the darker things get until we feel hopeless and nothing feels good in life.
However, when we bring our shame into the light, in a place that is empathetic and safe, shame dies. Gremlins cannot stand to be recognized and spoken. They cannot live in the presence of someone who says “Yeah. Me too. I struggle with that too.” If I speak my shame and it is met with empathy, then those gremlins die (like in that scene with the skylight and the indoor swimming pool).
In the movie Gremlins Billy was given a list of rules to make sure the destructive power of the creatures wouldn’t be unleased. In a similar vein we may do well to take measures so our Shame Gremlins do not destroy us:
First, we can identify our Personal Shame Gremlins. Name them. Own them. Notice when and where and around who they come out. Learn how our body reacts when we are in shame. When we don’t recognize them for what they are we give the gremlins extraordinary power over us.
Additionally, we can work to expose our Shame Gremlins to light. We must haul them out into the light. We must carefully choose a safe place to verbalize our Shame in an atmosphere of empathy, caring, and respect. It’s important here to consider that not everyone deserves to hear our story though. Not everyone has done the work to hold an empathetic space with us. Healthy vulnerability doesn’t always mean we share every part of us with the unvetted world. It means we carefully select those who can hold our pain with us. In selecting these people we might consider this description of “the compassionate”, those who are ready to hear our story:
“Compassion is knowing our darkness well enough that we can sit in the dark with others. It is never a relationship between the wounded and the healed. It is a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” (Pema Chödrön, The Places That Scare You).
Interestingly enough it is when someone sits with us “in our darkness” that the proverbial light goes on. And it is in those sacred places where our Gremlins wither and die.
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