Someone once said that when we have a problem we have 4 choices in how we approach it:
We can fix it.
We can reframe it.
We can accept it.
Or, we can continue to suffer.
Some problems just require us to get off our duff and change something and then we get the result we want. Feeling overweight? Exercise. Feeling tired? Get more sleep.
Some problems have to do with our thoughts, perceptions, and paradigms. In these cases we may need to change how we are looking at them—especially when our thoughts are not aligned with reality.
However, there are problems in life where nothing we do will change the situation; further, it’s not our perception of the problem that is the problem. In these cases we lack any control of the outcome of the situation. At these times we are left with the remaining options. We can continue to suffer (and that is always our choice) or we can choose to accept reality squarely as it is. In therapeutic settings this kind of attitude is called “radical acceptance”.
“Often, when a person is in pain, his or her first reaction is to get angry or upset or to blame someone for causing the pain in the first place. But unfortunately, no matter who you blame for your distress, your pain still exists and you continue to suffer. In fact, in some cases, the angrier you get, the worse your pain will feel.
“Getting angry or upset over a situation also stops you from seeing what is really happening. Have you ever heard the expression “being blinded by rage”? This often happens to people with overwhelming emotions. Criticizing yourself all the time or being overly judgmental of a situation is like wearing dark sunglasses indoors. By doing this, you’re missing the details and not seeing everything as it really is. By getting angry and thinking that a situation should never have happened, you’re missing the point that it did happen and that you have to deal with it.
“Being overly critical about a situation prevents you from taking steps to change that situation. You can’t change the past. And if you spend your time fighting the past—wishfully thinking that your anger will change the outcome of an event that has already happened—you’ll become paralyzed and helpless. Then, nothing will improve.
“So, to review—being overly judgmental of a situation or overly critical of yourself often leads to more pain, missed details, and paralysis. Obviously, getting angry, upset, or critical doesn’t improve a situation. So what else can you do?
The other option, which radical acceptance suggests, is to acknowledge your present situation, whatever it is, without judging the events or criticizing yourself. Instead, try to recognize that your present situation exists because of a long chain of events that began far in the past. For example, some time ago, you (or someone else) thought you needed help for the emotional pain you were experiencing. So, a few days later, you went to the bookstore and bought this book. Then today you thought about reading this chapter, and eventually you sat down, opened the book, and began reading. Now, you are up to the words you see here. Denying this chain of events does nothing to change what has already happened. Trying to fight this moment or say that it shouldn’t be only leads to more suffering for you. Radical acceptance means looking at yourself and the situation and seeing it as it really is.
“Keep in mind that radical acceptance does not mean that you condone or agree with bad behavior in others. But it does mean that you stop trying to change what’s happened by getting angry and blaming the situation. For example, if you’re in an abusive relationship and you need to get out, then get out. Don’t waste your time and continue to suffer by blaming yourself or the other person. That won’t help you. Refocus your attention on what you can do now. This will allow you to think more clearly and figure out a better way to cope with your suffering.” (The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook- McKay, Wood, Brantley, 2007).
Exercise 1
Some people find it helpful to choose a radical acceptance “mantra” to come back to when they are struggling. Consider the following phrases and see if any of them would work for you. Of course, feel free to construct or come up with a powerful phrase of your own.
“This is the way it has to be.”
“All the events have led up to now.”
“I can’t change what’s already happened.”
“It’s no use fighting the past.”
“Fighting the past only blinds me to my present.”
“The present is the only moment I have control over.”
“It’s a waste of time to fight what’s already occurred.”
“The present moment is perfect, even if I don’t like what’s happening.”
“This moment is exactly as it should be, given what’s happened before it.”
“This moment is the result of over a million other decisions.”
Exercise 2
This one is challenging. Try reading a news article or watching a news segment while trying to avoid criticism or judgment about any part of the report.
(Sometimes it helps to remember that what you are hearing has already happened. Of course, you can choose to be angry, upset, etc. but does that really change what has happened?)
Remember, you always have a choice. You can always choose to suffer. Or, you can choose to accept and move forward.
If you would like some more help with this skill here are 4 questions that can help us develop the skill of radical acceptance.
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If you would like to watch a video I created that illustrates the main principles of Radical Acceptance you can do so by clicking the link below:
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