In his book “I Love Me, I Love Me Not” Greg Hendrix explores themes of self-acceptance and perfectionism. He writes:
“As we grow up, we learn from the people in our environment what we should base our worth on or what makes us important. We are taught our importance is based on things such as family values, society’s values, and skills or abilities. Cultural differences will also be a means by which we learn what makes us feel important. There are three A's I have found people use as common evidence to feel they matter: acceptance, approval, and accomplishments. We all want to feel approval from others. We need to feel we are accepted by our friends and family or other people who are important to us. We may also see our accomplishments as a means by which we place a value judgment of importance on ourselves. The more we accomplish the more worth we feel or the more important we feel. When we perceive we are meeting the standards set by those three A's, we are going to feel we matter, or that we are OK. In other words, we all have mental standards that let us know when we add up. An example might be a student who feels that she adds up, or "she has arrived," when she has graduated with her law degree. A father or mother may feel important when they have done what "good" mothers or fathers do. But, what each person considers to be a "good parent” will differ among each culture, society, geographical region, and what people were taught by their parents.
“Some people want the approval of their parents, which they may feel they have never received. They go to great lengths to achieve that approval. They may marry the "right” person, or pursue the "right" career, or go the "right" college and earn the "right" grades, and do the "right" things. This also applies to people trying to gain the approval and acceptance of friends, bosses, or romantic partners; we feel the need to do what is perceived as the right thing to do. During childhood and on through adolescence to adulthood, we are constantly evaluating what the "right" things are to gain acceptance and approval.
“...So it seems to be with all of us. We feel coerced by extreme pressure to keep doing the things that bring us that sense of acceptance and approval from others. We feel an intense drive, anxiety, or fear that we may fail if we don't.”
Hendrix suggests a thought exercises for those who struggle with self-acceptance, perfectionism, or self-esteem.
He invites us to create a table like the one below where we consider what we have been taught to associate our self-esteem with.
He also suggests that if we are struggling with the exercise to consider the following questions:
Do you feel important...
• When you do everting “just right”?
• When you are praised?
• When you feel approval?
• When you accomplish something?
• When you make someone happy?
• When you make someone laugh?
• When you fulfill your expectations as a husband, wife, son, daughter, mother, or father?
• When you earn a certain amount of money?
• When you live in a certain house or neighborhood?
• When you get a promotion or a new title?
Sometimes just the act of examining what our self-esteem is tied to can help create some new mind space where we can see ourselves differently. And, in this newly created mind space we can consider what we really want our relationship with ourself to look like.
Understanding how we currently finish the sentence “I love myself when...” can be a first step towards moving ourselves toward how we want that sentence to end.
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