(Note: Although this post is written for marriage partners, the principles are just as applicable to friends, co-workers, neighbors, extended family and just about anyone else!)
The following dialogue was recorded and used by John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
AMY: When I get mad, that's when you should step in and try to make it better. But when you just stop talking, it means, 'I no longer care about how you feel.' That just makes me feel one inch tall. Like my opinion or feelings have absolutely no bearing on you. And that's not the way a marriage should be.
PAUL: What I'm saying is, if you wanna have a serious conversation, you're gonna do it without yelling and screaming all the time. You start saying things that are hurtful.
AMY: Well, when I'm hurt, mad, and I wanna hurt you, I start saying things. And that's when we should both stop. I should say, "I'm sorry." And you should say, "I know that you wanna talk about this. And I really should make an effort to talk instead of just ignoring you."
PAUL: I'll talk when—
AMY: It fits your purpose.
PAUL: No, when you're not yelling and screaming and jumping up and down stomping.
This dialogue expresses how flooding can sabotage our ability to communicate.
Simply stated, “flooding” is when emotions rise up in us to the point that they control us and hamper our ability to meet our goals.
John Gottman writes: “When we monitor couples for bodily changes during a tense discussion, we can see just how physically distressing flooding is. One of the most apparent of these physical reactions is that the heart speeds up—pounding away at more than 100 beats per minute—even as high as 165. (In contrast, a typical heart rate for a man who is about 30 is 76, and for a woman the same age, 82.) Hormonal changes occur, too, including the secretion of adrenaline, which kicks in the "fight or flight response." Blood pressure also mounts. These changes are so dramatic that if one partner is frequently flooded during marital discussions, it's easy to predict that they will divorce.
“Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded—the increased heart rate, sweating, and so on make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion. When your body goes into overdrive during an argument, it is responding to a very primitive alarm system we inherited from our prehistoric ancestors. All those distressful reactions, like pounding heart and sweating, occur because on a fundamental level your body perceives your current situation as dangerous. Even though we live in the age of in vitro conception, organ transplants, and gene mapping, from an evolutionary standpoint not much time has passed since we were cave dwellers. So the human body has not refined its fear reactions—it responds the same way, whether you're facing a saber-toothed tiger or a contemptuous spouse demanding to know why you can never remember to put the toIlet seat back down.
“When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen in the midst of a discussion with your mate, the consequences are disastrous. Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it's harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. Creative problem solving goes out the window. You're left with the most reflexive, least intellectually sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). Any chance of resolving the issue is gone, Most likely, the discussion will just worsen the situation.”
So, what we can do to make sure our emotions don’t get the best of us?
(A) Recognize When it is Happening.The regular practice of Mindfulness Meditation can help with this. When you recognize it is happening take a break. Agree to come back to the conversation later. A simple, “This isn’t productive. I’m letting my emotions get the best of me. Can we continue talking about this a little later?” can do the trick.
(B) Consciously Try to Avoid the Four Horsemen. John Gottman has named criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling the “Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse” because their regular, consistent presence in a marriage often signifies “the end” of the relationship. When flooded it is easy to let these Horsemen creep in. If you want to learn more about these ”Horsemen” click here.
(C) Learn to Self-Soothe. Learn to skillfully and purposefully do what you need to do to calm down. Also, understand that men and women are typically different when it comes to their physiological reactions when flooded.
(D) Learn Why Interactions with your Partner are so Triggering. Many times it is helpful to distinguish between: (1) What triggered me? (i.e. what are they specifically saying or doing) and (2) Why it triggered me? (Or, What is it causing me to feel?)
Many times a look, a phrase, or a tone of voice in and of itself is not inherently devastating—but it is the insecurity in us that is being triggered that is so painful. Here is a quick list of possible feelings to consider:
To learn more about painful triggers you can watch this video I made about identifying your "Shame Gremlins".
(D) Learn Effective Communication Skills. We can always learn to improve our communication skills. Doing so helps us to avoid unnecessarily contributing to other’s and our own flooding.
Remember, the bottom line is this: When we are flooded our brain gets stupider.
Nothing that is said or done at that point will be helpful. Learning to avoid flooding allows us to be our best selves and bring our best resources towards problem solving and conflict resolution.
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