Feeling down, depressed, or anxious? Take a moment to ponder if any of these statements apply to you:
• I’m constantly overwhelmed by my own flaws and inadequacies.
• When I’m feeling down I tend to obsess and fixate on everything that’s wrong.
• When I fail at something important to me I become consumed by feelings of inadequacy.
• There are so many aspects of my personality I don't like.
• I tend to feel like most other people are probably happier than I am.
• When something upsets me I get carried away with my feelings.
• I am unable, and often lack the desire, to soothe myself when I'm experiencing suffering.
• I feel like I’m regularly failing at things that are important to me.
If these sentiments sound familiar let me suggest something that may help. And, no, it’s not to work on your self-esteem—rather, it’s the suggestion to improve your self-compassion.
Why We Should be Pursuing Self-compassion Rather Than Self-esteem
What’s the difference? Glad you asked. If self-esteem is a sense of positive self-regard based on an internal evaluation of our accomplishments self-compassion is an attitude by which we pursue our growth and progress.
Although there is no doubt that low self-esteem is correlated with low mood and depression, there are a couple problems with our pursuit of what we call “self-esteem”.
“In modern Western culture, self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out or are special. It is not okay to be average, we have to feel above average to feel good about ourselves. This means that attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behavior, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. We also tend to get angry and aggressive towards those who have said or done anything that potentially makes us feel bad about ourselves. The need for high self-esteem may encourage us to ignore, distort or hide personal shortcomings so that we can’t see ourselves clearly and accurately. Finally, our self-esteem is often contingent on our latest success or failure, meaning that our self-esteem fluctuates depending on ever-changing circumstances.” (Self-compassion.org Website)
Elements of Self-Compassion
In her book Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself Kristen Neff conceptualizes “self-compassion” in three core components:
• Self-kindness (versus Self-judgement),
• Common humanity (versus Isolation),
• and Mindfulness (versus Over identification with our feelings), especially when relating to our painful experiences.
Self-kindness refers to the ability to be caring and understanding with oneself rather than being harshly critical. It’s about being tolerant of our flaws and inadequacies. It’s about being understanding and patient towards aspects of our personality we may not like. Its about being kind to ourselves when we are experiencing suffering. It’s about giving the same compassion and tenderness to ourselves that we would to a friend or loved one.
The idea of common humanity is recognizing that all humans are imperfect, fail, make mistakes, and have serious life challenges. You and I are not special in this regards! (Although some of us expect ourselves to be!) Think about it. Failure is universal—and an important part of learning and growth! However, when failures and disappointments are experienced as “an aberration”—not shared by the rest of humankind—we start to feel isolated. We feel defective. We begin to feel isolated from others who are presumably leading ‘normal’ happy lives”.
Common humanity is about allowing ourselves to be a part of the human race where difficulties, failures, setbacks, and inadequacies are what we do. Everyone at times feels and experiences what we are experiencing. It’s about whether we can see our failings as part of the human condition.
Finally, mindfulness in the context of self-compassion involves being aware of one’s painful experiences in a balanced way that neither ignores nor ruminates on disliked parts of one's self. Instead we explore our negative feelings with curiosity and openness. This regular, consistent practice of mindfulness leads us to be less reactive to negative emotions over time.
It’s important to understand self-compassion is not self-pity nor is it self-indulgence, both of which lead us away from where we want to be. Self-compassion, properly administered to ourselves, motivates us. It results in healthy growth. It is the faith, love, and encouragement we give to those we love—extended to ourselves.
This paradigm shift is worth the work. If you have felt stuck with low self-esteem for a while I encourage you to start practicing self-compassion and see what happens. See if this might be an element that has been missing from your life.
Granted, for someone who struggles with self-compassion this is not easy work. Many of us have had years to establish harmful patterns for ourselves and the wheels of progress often turn slowly—but they do turn!
Try this experiment:
For the next week try talking to yourself as you would talk to a friend you love. When something hurtful or disappointing happens imagine yourself saying to yourself what you might say to loved one. If it helps, actually write down what you might say. As you look at those words of kindness realize they apply to you as much as they apply to anyone. And then just be mindful and curious about the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that come up.
If you'd like to watch a video I made that uses imagery and scenes from a major motion picture to illustrate the idea of self-kindness, click on the link below:
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