Dan Wile wrote “choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.”
When working though marital problems it sometimes helps us keep perspective when we remember that (1) problems will be a part of any relationship and that (2) each of us will have a particular set of problems no matter who we are committed or married to.
Marriage researcher John Gottman shares the following illustration:
“Paul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties and Paul, who is shy, hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted, which she is very sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn’t have even gone to the party because they would still be upset about an argument they had the day before about Paul’s not helping with the housework. To Gail when Paul does not help she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive about, and to Paul Gail’s complaining is an attempt at domination, which he is sensitive about. The same is true about Alice. If she had married Steve, she would have the opposite problem, because Steve gets drunk at parties and she would get so angry at his drinking that they would get into a fight about it. If she had married Lou, she and Lou would have enjoyed the party but then when they got home the trouble would begin when Lou wanted sex because he always wants sex when he wants to feel closer, but sex is something Alice only wants when she already feels close.”
Wile continues: “. . . there is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of irresolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”
You can choose your particular problems; but you can’t choose not to have problems.
Further, Wile recommends we think of a committed relationship or marriage the way a person might think of a car he or she loves that has a temperamental carburetor. With some research, tinkering, and experience we can become an expert on carburetors and, while driving, bring along a set of tools and a manual.
Gottman observes: “We have discovered in our study of long-term happy marriages that, when people stay married for a long time, they learn to become mellower about one another’s faults. They become more accepting of one another, and they communicate this acceptance. A big part of marital gridlock is that usually both people feel criticized and unaccepted by their partner.
“When you choose a partner, you automatically choose your set of irresolvable problems. If you had married someone else you would have had a different set of irresolvable problems. This is very much like the set of ailments we develop as we age. Trick knees, bad back, indigestion. We learn to live with these chronic ailments and to make the best of life in spite of them. The same is true in any marriage.”
This is not to say there is never a time to seperate. Sometimes compromise has us giving up too much. We should never tolerate abuse or neglect. And if our partner is not willing to work on bettering the relationship we may need to consider working towards a peaceful dissolution.
However, it usually takes two. More times than not two people have created a bad marriage and it will take two people working hard to make it better.
Remembering that every relationship has its problems can help keep us from fantasizing about how amazing it would be if we left or were with someone else. (Or, at least helps us do some reality checking with our fantasies). When our relationship isn’t healthy we begin to daydream about ego-created situations where—in another life—we have found someone who meets all our needs and with whom we don’t have our current issues. The truth is: if we did leave we would find a new crop of problems springing up to replace the ones we felt were unbearable. Furthermore, if we don’t do our own work we will just take our unresolved issues into our next relationship.
I want to say again, this does not mean there is not a time to separate. Of course there is. This just means that separation rarely results in a cessation of problems. Therefore, before we decide to “trade in” our relationship for a “new model” it is worth considering a couple soul-searching questions.
Is this one of our irresolvable problems that Gottman says we will need to learn to live with?
Have we already made adjustments to each other’s personalities in the past? Is there any reason we can’t keep adjusting?
Is one of our feelings more important on this issue than the other’s?
Is a trade-off possible?
Are there ways we can further adapt that we haven’t tried yet? Resources we haven’t used? Experts we haven’t yet talked to?
Can we find any common ground on this issue?
Can we accept that this problem may never be fully solved? What is hardest thing about that to accept?
After asking these questions we may still feel that separation is the best option. We may feel that their is no hope and no reason to go forward. And that is ok. But at least we won’t be making that decision based on the fantasy that the next relationship will be problem-free. And sometimes when we’ve looked around and seen other’s problems we come back to ours with a little more perspective, a little more appreciation, and a little more hope.
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