In her book Loving What Is Byron Katie observes that part of doing our own work is realizing the connection between our thoughts and our mental and emotional health. She believes all suffering is a result of not accepting reality as it is. Therefore, peace is a result of questioning, identifying, and challenging our assumptions about the world that don’t match up with reality.
Katie further observes that much of our emotional pain stems from the way we think things should be—our expectations about the world. She believes that whenever we suffer there is always an inner thought that is contributing to the suffering. Thoughts like, “People should be nicer.”, “My husband doesn’t love me because he doesn’t ask me about my day.”, “I shouldn’t have lost my job. That wasn’t fair.”
When experiencing negative reactions from our thoughts Katie suggests we use four questions to examine our assumptions. These are:
“Is it true?”
“Can I really know that is true?”
”How do I react when I think that thought?”
“Who or what would I be without that thought?”
These questions are intended to guide us to see how our thoughts “argue” with reality. For example, I may believe “My wife’s parents shouldn’t judge me.” So, I ask myself, “Is it true?” Is it true that They shouldn’t judge me? My gut response is “Yes! of course it’s true!” But when I actually stop and honestly think about it I may feel differently about it. We are not asking: “Is it what I wish?”, or “Is that how I think the world should work?”, or “Isn’t that what I’ve always been taught or always believed?” We are asking “Is it true?” Does it represent reality? The way things are? Well, no. Everybody judges. Including my wife’s parents. (And I’m even judging them for judging me!) I want to believe that parents-in-laws shouldn’t judge their son-in-laws. “Can I really know that’s true?” Is that a universal truth? Or just what I want to believe?
“How do I react when I think/believe my wife’s parents shouldn’t judge me”? Angry when they do. I feel defensive and lonely. I want to find fault in them so I can feel better about myself. When I’m honest, nothing good comes of letting this thought inhabit me.
“What would I be without this thought?” Kinder. More Peaceful. More in control of my emotions.
And that’s kind of how it works. Many have found these four questions helpful as they do their own work.
Granted we all have things we wish were a certain way in life. But how can arguing with reality make for a happy life? Instead, we can let stress, frustration, and anger work like a “compassionate fire alarm” in our lives letting us know when we are wrestling against reality. And when we notice these feelings rather than struggling with our thoughts and feelings we can become a mindful observer of them. We watch them come and go and allow them to pass through us. There is no harm in thoughts and feelings unless we overly attached to them. There is no suffering without a story that opposes reality.
One more word about this type of “radical acceptance” of reality. Many worry that if they were to adopt this mindset it would lead to passivity and apathy. Radical acceptance is not giving up. It’s not being passive or allowing people or the world to walk all over us. Instead, it is not letting our thoughts, feelings, and false stories to walk all over us. After all, allowing our thoughts and feelings to control us in unhelpful ways could be its own form of passivity.
The soul of radical acceptance is found in the Serenity Prayer oft-quoted in Alcoholics Anonymous:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”
Radical acceptance is the serenity-inducing work to accept the things we cannot change.
In his book Man’s Search for Meaning author Victor Frankl said it this way:
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Radical acceptance helps us do just that.
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