Some find it helpful to look at Perfectionism as an “addiction”. Here are a couple points to ponder:
An Addictive Reward System
Just as a chemical addict needs one more “hit”, so do we perfectionists need that one more pat on the back, recognition, or feeling of having done it “just right”. Many perfectionists have become dependent on the ego-boosting accolades that often come with perfectionism and this makes it that much harder to see the damaging affects of perfectionistic striving. Unfortunately, much of the world we live in today reinforces perfectionistic behavior. How will an employer respond when an employee works that much harder? How will the comparison-based culture of social media respond when we post our latest achievement? Sometimes, we find out only too late that the world we live in will keep taking from us without regard to our health or innate needs. Because of the rush of dopamine to the brain (the same reward system in the brain associated with chemical dependency) perfectionistic behaviors often become just as compulsive as any other addiction.
It Can Cost Us Everything
Just as we might watch a chemical addict trade everything anything for their drug of choice a perfectionist is often putting mastery ahead of their body, their relationships, and their peace of mind. Like addicts, perfectionists often have trouble in their close relationships. After all, no one can live up to their impossible standards and this results in a constant gnawing irritability around the people they come in contact with. And because of the reward system mentioned above we usually won’t see a perfectionist in treatment until they hit “rock bottom”. Until a perfectionist understands just what their perfectionism is costing them they won’t acknowledge that they have a “problem”. Like the junkie in denial perfectionists won’t change until the pain of continuing to do what they do is so great it cracks the facade and reveals the struggling, gasping, person on the inside who is in desperate need of help.
The Hole in the Soul
Just as in chemical addiction, when treating perfectionism we need to treat what the real issue is. Many addictions form because of a “hole in the soul” or some deep need that is not being met. The chemicals, the behaviors, the pleasure centers in the brain are all being used to try and fill that hole. However, these things never can. That is why you never meet a perfectionist that says, “And after all my striving I finally felt like I was good enough.” That feeling never comes. No amount of perfection seeking can fill the hole. Often, perfectionists are trying to regulate their nervous system in the face of deep-set vulnerability and security issues. It is the feeling of not feeling safe. They are running from a vague dread of what will happen if they were to cease their perfectionisism. Until we can process that fear—until we can fill the hole—the perfectionism continues.
Letting Go of Control
An important aspect of successful addiction treatment is for the addict to re-evaluate and renegotiate their relationship with control. Many addictions form because we don’t like the “messiness” of life—the feeling of uncertainty, sadness, and pain—and all that comes with that. Chemical addicts cover and numb their emotions because they have never learned to properly face and deal with them. Instead, their anxiety, fears, and pain are shelved by their drug of choice. Similarly, many perfectionists have used their perfectionistic striving to try and navigate deep-set feelings of pain, fear, and insecurity. Don’t believe me? Try this experiement.
Exercise
If you think you might struggle with perfectionism try this experiment. Try not doing something perfectly. Turn in the assignment before you would like to. Leave the living room a little messier than you would like. Try to let go of that pursuit of complete control. You will not like it. It will feel “wrong”. An important part of being a perfectionist “in recovery” is to
notice these “withdrawal symptoms” you feel when you don’t do things perfectly. Hold these feelings. Lean into them. Be curious about them. Ask yourself, “Hmmmm. I wonder what these feelings are about.” This is your body and mind trying to regulate itself in the presence of fear and insecurity. Notice how the feeling of failure feels different than the feeling of “wanting to do a good job” or the excitement of healthy striving. What we can learn from these feelings are some first steps to pushing back against perfectionism and reclaiming what we need most in life.
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