But if I give up my perfectionism won’t I stop trying? Won’t I stop achieving? Won’t I just sit on the couch and binge watch Netflix?
And here is the great fear of a perfectionist in treatment: That if they give up their perfectionism it will lead to what they fear most—failure. They will become a lifeless blob of laziness.
They fear that without perfectionism to spur them on they won’t accomplish, achieve, and receive the praise they have become accustomed to receiving for their perfectionistic performance.
Without the drive of perfectionism spurring them on they will lose what they feel makes them feel special, valuable, and worthy.
Brené Brown, author of The Power of Vulnerability addresses this concern:
“In the research there’s a significant difference between perfectionism and healthy striving or striving for excellence. Perfectionism is the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.
“Perfectionism is also very different than self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: “I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.” Healthy striving is self- focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle.
“Last, perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds.”
“Ok. I am pretty tired from what I’m doing to myself (as are my friends and loved ones). So, what do I do?”
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